The post regarding positive self image. As long as I can remember I've had a struggle with body image and food. In my teens to mid twenties I had the yo-yo of gaining weight and losing weight. As a girl in High School, I was always asked by my mom & dad when having a snack after school "do you REALLY need to eat that?" Of course, that just made me irritated and to be defiant take 2 times of whatever it was. Be it a cookie or something else. I had a certain popular guy call me "fat ass" every day..which didn't help either. I went nuts exercising 3 hours a day after school and got down to 110 lbs. The guy actually had the nerve to ask me out on a date, and I told him no. I never was over a 120 lbs until I was 23. Between my seizure medications, and constantly compared to my older sister. Who in my families eyes is perfect and can do no wrong. I started to use food as comfort. While attending my sister's wedding reception I heard a friend of hers saying to some of the guys her husband is friends with. "Look at Christine, then look at Melissa. They don't even look related!! Melissa is such a f$%#@(g cow!!" I was having a really good time until I heard those words out of some nasty little woman's lips. I was embarrassed, and mortified. Quietly, I pulled her aside and let her know that what I heard her say was not going to be tolerated and I'd have her thrown out if anything else was said again. Later she brought it up to my sister, and of course I was confronted for being rude to her friend. The friend didn't elaborate on what happened, just that I was going to throw her out of the wedding reception. I went on to tell Christine exactly what happened in front of my mother. My sister made excuses for this woman!! "Oh, she was drunk don't take it to heart" When people are drunk, is when people let things fly...I call it "truth serum." After that day, I became obsessed about my weight. I only would eat 1 apple, a can of pineapple, and 1 box of snack sized raisins. That was my total intake for one day. Depending on my energy I began to run, or walk 9 miles a day and began taking laxatives to expel what ever went in my system. I am not proud of this in any way...it is my little dark secret. About year later, I had lost over 70 lbs. My physician became worried at the huge transformation in such a short time. She asked what I was doing to lose it all. I was honest, I told her. She got a look of complete and utter shock. Then said that she had to tell my family that I was doing this unless I stopped. She started to explain how my organs would shut down, and that I could die or need an organ transplant. I stopped doing the weird eating habits and laxatives, but became more obsessed with exercise. I try to not think about all of this because it makes me feel like for some reason, being the woman I am isn't good enough for other people. When I have mentioned me and how much I miss the way I was at age 25...it is because I was accepted by everyone. I wasn't questioned, or interrogated as to how all of these pounds magically melted away. I was courted, invited to places by my family, set up on dates, and had a very lovely boyfriend later that year. Inside, I absolutely was disgusted and tried to numb things with casual sex, and partying. Later that year things came to an abrupt halt and I had to move back home because I had a nervous breakdown due to repressed childhood memories from abuse. My system did shut down,and i was unable to stay hydrated. I was constantly passing out. Having to leave the east coast and move back in with my abuser was something I hated. it made me a bitter, angry person. All I did was try to find ways of escaping. Travel, getting engaged anything to just be able to disappear. From 2001- present I've been trying to learn to love myself, or at least accept " what is" in life and do my best with what I've been given. That's the hardest thing. Learning to accept, move on and heal. I'm not all the way there, but I haven't given up. Words can cut you worse than any knife. The sting lasts forever, and they hurt worse than a punch. My motto is if it's not helpful, or have the best of intentions then don't say it. Once you utter some things, they cannot be taken back. ~M. Rugg
Racing Fashion REAL focuses on ALL. Through friendships from years over the internet and people helping each other. Many times this lady from the other side of the world hears my stories and I listen to her. Even though we don't hear each others voice we are friends and loyal. My dear friend is starting to see daylight at the end of the tunnel and believing she is beautiful. We all see the beauty and words hurt. May we forgive these people in the story who are ignorant of feelings and instead feel sorry for them. M Rugg is moving forward and living well and I am blessed for her friendship, be it through words or typing. We are friends.
In Australia, If you have issues with Body Image or Eating Disorders, Please contact, The Butterfly Foundation, Click Here.
If you suffer depression, please be in contact with Beyond Blue, Click Here.